Content note: This post discusses miscarriage and pregnancy loss.

Two weeks ago, I was in the emergency room due to losing a baby. I was not far along in my pregnancy, but my heart was breaking none the less. I laid in a bed in a triage room, wondering all of the things I could have done wrong. Could I have been more careful? Did I miss something that could have helped me carry this baby to term? Are the polyps back that prevented my pregnancies prior to our daughter and son from sticking? What can I do next time? Logically, I know I did nothing wrong. There is nothing that could have changed the loss of our precious child. Our little one is with God instead of me. Although heartbreaking, it is comforting to know that they are healthy and whole. Prior to delving into my faith, I was always angry at God for losing children. I felt as if I was being punished. I thought God did not hear my pain or that he didn’t care. This loss is different, I did not feel left behind by God. In fact, I found comfort in his word. The circumstances of my life may not have changed, not fully anyway, but what I run to has. Rather than hiding inside myself, I run to God’s word. I allow myself to be prayed for and over. I allow myself to mourn, but not to isolate. I pray God will grant us another child, but I know that it is in his time.

How do you introduce yourself? Lately, mine is Hi, I am Chief’s wife, or yes, I am their mom. Other introductions are yep, I am the wife of the middle son, or yeah, I’m that daughter in law. I can’t say that I have recently introduced myself based on my own merit or even with my own name. I answer to what people know about me. Isn’t it funny how our reputations sometimes proceeds us? People think because they have heard of us, they must know us. I always worried about what others would think of me. I worry about stepping the wrong toe out of line, embarrassing my husband or any other family member, for that matter. I used to let fear of what others may hear or think hold me captive for a very long time. I wasn’t a Christian my entire life. I grew up Catholic with a very different understanding of God than I have now. What does that have to do with being afraid of what others might think of me? I was also afraid of what God thought of me. I worried that I wasn’t enough in his eyes, that I couldn’t gain his love because I kept doing the wrong thing. It wasn’t until I was married and understood that God didn’t expect me to earn His love, that I began to understand. God doesn’t wait around to hear what people say about us because He knows us. We are His creation in His image, and we are loved dearly by him. God knows us, whereas people don’t and see our intentions and hearts where others may not. Although I have many descriptions that can be used for me, my favorite is beloved child of God, redeemed, loved, and saved by God’s grace, and these are the exact same words that are used to describe you. So, to introduce myself, I am Sharon. I am saved and covered by the grace of God, and I am so glad to share His love with others.

Content note: This post discusses anxiety, panic attacks, therapy, and medication.

I have anxiety. I am not sure if I mentioned this ever in my blog posts prior, but here it is. I have a therapist, anxiety, and panic attack medication that is designed to help me function at a level that does not feel like drowning constantly. Sometimes, it is hard. Getting up and facing everything I am afraid of can be so draining. In fact, the past few weeks have been really rough. I have been insecure in all aspects of my life. I spent every day thinking that I was falling short in every role I hold. I was short tempered, hid myself from church, and was content to watch online rather than join in the fellowship I so desperately needed. I cocooned myself in a mental blanket hiding from everyone. I felt a constant panic, almost like I was sinking. The ship was going down with me on it. I found myself complaining every day, starting my morning with the attitude that it is chaos. It’s all chaos, and it’s going to stay chaos. I am setting my morning in such a bad tone and finding other areas to nitpick. Someone who loves me dearly this week pointed out that I was focusing on the wrong things. I was so desperate to control my surroundings because I felt like everything else was out of control. By trying to hide what I was feeling, by trying to avoid the use of panic attack medication and putting on a front that I am fine, I was essentially sabotaging myself. I so desperately was searching for perfection and to put out this idea that I have it together when I really don’t. I am a mess, I am imperfect, I make mistakes, but that’s not what defines me. I am a child of God. He gave his only son for my sins, and as a result, I can one day join Him in heaven. That defines me, not the self-doubt or insecurities. Sometimes, I let the world define me. I allow myself to be placed in a box and worry about whether people will approve of me or not. Today, I am choosing to be joyful. I am going to start waking up with gratitude for the things we have been blessed with. I’m going to find the positives in the chaos, the beauty in the mess. I’m going to be unapologetically me and love what I have been given, and thank God for giving it to me.

In our church, we are currently in a series called Kingdom Culture. We are reviewing various parables of Jesus such as the prodigal son, the vineyard with tennant farmers, the wheat and weeds, and many others. Today, we discussed the tennant farmers, and I must say I have read this parable so many times but didn’t understand it until today. I did not realize that the owner of the vineyard was God. The son was Jesus, and the various servants sent to the vineyard were prophets sent to warn the farmers, and the farmers were the religious elite. Everything God provides, we are expected to be stewards of our lives, family, talents, money, time, everything we own belongs to the builder of the vineyard, and we are the tennant farmers. So, all of this sets the stage for a question we were asked to think about. If God took a peak into our lives, what would He think about the stewardship he has granted us? What area do we need to focus better stewardship in? I do not have the answer to that. But, in thinking about all the areas of my life, I realize that improvements are necessary. Self-reflection is a beastly but necessary thing. What areas of your life do you need to reflect on?