Content note: This post discusses anxiety, panic attacks, therapy, and medication.

I have anxiety. I am not sure if I mentioned this ever in my blog posts prior, but here it is. I have a therapist, anxiety, and panic attack medication that is designed to help me function at a level that does not feel like drowning constantly. Sometimes, it is hard. Getting up and facing everything I am afraid of can be so draining. In fact, the past few weeks have been really rough. I have been insecure in all aspects of my life. I spent every day thinking that I was falling short in every role I hold. I was short tempered, hid myself from church, and was content to watch online rather than join in the fellowship I so desperately needed. I cocooned myself in a mental blanket hiding from everyone. I felt a constant panic, almost like I was sinking. The ship was going down with me on it. I found myself complaining every day, starting my morning with the attitude that it is chaos. It’s all chaos, and it’s going to stay chaos. I am setting my morning in such a bad tone and finding other areas to nitpick. Someone who loves me dearly this week pointed out that I was focusing on the wrong things. I was so desperate to control my surroundings because I felt like everything else was out of control. By trying to hide what I was feeling, by trying to avoid the use of panic attack medication and putting on a front that I am fine, I was essentially sabotaging myself. I so desperately was searching for perfection and to put out this idea that I have it together when I really don’t. I am a mess, I am imperfect, I make mistakes, but that’s not what defines me. I am a child of God. He gave his only son for my sins, and as a result, I can one day join Him in heaven. That defines me, not the self-doubt or insecurities. Sometimes, I let the world define me. I allow myself to be placed in a box and worry about whether people will approve of me or not. Today, I am choosing to be joyful. I am going to start waking up with gratitude for the things we have been blessed with. I’m going to find the positives in the chaos, the beauty in the mess. I’m going to be unapologetically me and love what I have been given, and thank God for giving it to me.