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Fighting Fair
Is it possible to have a fair fight in marriage? Absolutely! My husband and I needed to learn how to fight the problem and not each other. In marriage, fighting is a big part of what leads to divorce. The fighting itself is not the problem, it is how the fights are conducted that causes the problem. When arguing, it is important to focus on the problem. For example, if you are struggling financially, arguing over who is spending the most amount of money will not solve the problem of not having enough. The problem will be solved by sitting together and discussing what can be cut from the budget. Pulling together as a team, not allowing yourselves to be divided is important to the marriage. God called for marriage to be the joining of a couple with him, a cord of three strands cannot be broken (Ecclesiastes, 4:12). There are many verses regarding marriage in the Bible, and many of those highlight the importance of the two people coming together to make one. Fighting the other person in your marriage is, essentially, fighting yourself. What I have learned in our first four years of marriage, regarding arguing is this, 1. Do not bring up past problems. When you say they are settled, then let them be settled. I have to be honest; I do not always do this. It is so easy to fall into the trap of staying angry about a problem. It is easy to fall back into the temptation when losing an argument to bring up past disagreements. Unfortunately, I fall into this trap, and it is ugly. 2. Fight solely about the problem. Do not call names, hit below the belt by using the other person’s weaknesses (or fears) against them. Again, something I learned in a very difficult way. I am not one to fight fair. I have made comments that have hurt my husband and I am so ashamed of what I have said in our time together that has hurt him. It’s unfortunate how often we are likely to hurt the ones we love because we know they will still love us. I am great at pushing people away when I am hurting, scared, or believe that someone will just leave me anyways. My husband, thankfully, loves me through the hard times as I love him. 3. Keep the debate between you two. Sometimes it is good to have an outside sounding board when it comes to disagreements but there are a couple of things to know. The person you confide in should be someone you trust to guide you and your spouse. This person should also be rooting for your marriage. This person should know the truth of the argument, meaning you have to be honest on your words too. When confiding in a person about debates in marriage, pick someone who you trust not only has your best interest at heart, but is also a mentor that encourages both of you to be better (and honors God themselves). 3. Give your spouse, and yourself, grace. Love covers a multitude of sins. 4. If you are in an abuse situation, talk to someone you trust. Do not accept mistreatment and know that God never meant for love to hurt. Abuse is not okay! All in all, when fighting in a marriage fight fair. Fight the problem and love each other.
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Self-Care
I had my hair done today! That’s an achievement, I actually have not even had a trim since October. My excuse is that I am so busy with our kids that fitting in self-care is impossible. I find so many other things that need to be done for other people that I just let some things fall by the wayside. To me, the time with my children and spouse is more important than a trip to the salon. I’m not judging moms who make it work, I just feel anxious about taking time to myself. I worry about feeling selfish by taking a couple of hours out of the house for things that make me feel pretty, something that reminds me that I’m still me. I have wrapped up my identity in the things I do for others that sometimes I forget who I am without helping. I love my life and the choices I made to be at home with our children, but I am often reminded by all the wonderful mothers in my life that it’s normal to need a moment to yourself. Sometimes you need to go get a coffee, have your hair or nails done, read a book alone, work out, walk around shops you love, whatever it is that makes you feel like you. I appreciate everyone in my life who has given me the encouragement to take time to care for myself so that I can be rejuvenated and care for my family. When you’re not taking care of yourself, you can’t take care of others. So, for all of you moms out there (and dads too), take time to recharge and refill your own cup because you can’t pour out of an empty one. If you can not give yourself permission, I will give it to you. Take a break, God rested, and so should you.
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Juggling It All
Some days, I feel like a pintrest mom. I make cute breakfasts, I meal plan, I bake wonderful creations but then there are days where I am a complete mess. There’s pancakes on the floor from our two year old spilling her plate while I’m trying to get the baby to eat his food, the dog is barking, I haven’t had a single cup of coffee, and everything is going wrong. Those days, I feel defeated. I feel like I’m failing as a mom because everyone else is so put together. Why can’t I be? Why am I unable to decorate my home like a pro on tik tok or travel to exotic destinations to teach my kids like on Instagram? What am I missing that I am so behind other moms? The problem isn’t me, or you, or anyone else. We compare ourselves to the perfect pictures and the fun 30-second clips that we see on social media, but that’s only one part of someone’s day. We don’t see the other 23 hours 59 minutes and 30 seconds of that person. Maybe they are struggling the same way we all struggle? Maybe the people we admire on social media feel the same way we all do, perfectly imperfect. This is a big reason why I share my every day. We have become so accustomed to showing the best of ourselves on social media and being afraid of the facade falling. It’s okay to not be picture perfect. It’s okay to have flaws and make mistakes. We are only human. After all, we may be made in God’s image, but we will never be God; all knowing and perfect. With that being said, it’s time to end this post. I have a 7 month old squawking, a large dog barking, and a two year old throwing tissues like confetti! Pray for me y’all and I’ll be praying for you.
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Planting Seeds
I am not a fantastic gardener. My mother-in-love, great gardener! Her yard would make a beautiful spread in Better Homes and Gardens, but I never quite learned how to do that. When we moved to our new home, I had great ideas of all the flowers I would grow. I imagined sunflowers of every color and other wonderful, colorful plants. Unfortunately, I did not know where to start. Mom, however, came over and, in her great patience, sat with me to create a beautiful garden. I thought I would learn about planting flowers, but really, I learned about planting seeds. When starting the garden, we had to pull the weeds so they would not choke the flowers. When we turn to God, we pull the weeds in our lives in order to let his word take root. Then we dig deep to plant seeds or flowers so the roots can have a place to anchor to. We have to dig deep into our hearts in order to let God in and give his word an anchor. Once the planting part is over, we have to water our plant daily and tend to the garden, removing weeds that can tangle their roots into our flowers. We have to do the same thing with our hearts. We constantly must water ourselves and nourish our souls with God’s word. When we fight against sin, we are pulling bad weeds to avoid them from tangling with our good, flowering roots. Planting seeds taught me about planting the word of God not only in my heart but in the hearts of my children, too. Who would have thought gardening could teach us about God?
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Call of the Wild!
Our beloved babies are wild, to say the least. I chase a very active two year old around our home on a daily basis, often while carrying her brother. I can honestly say I meet my step goal fairly early in the day, but that’s normal with little ones. With a 7 month old on a roll (no, really, he barrel rolls through the living room) and a two year old that climbs everything, I often feel more like a ring leader of a circus more than anything else. I walk a fine line between keeping rules and being overbearing, which can be really hard sometimes. I want them to listen, but I don’t want to break our children’s spirit. Parenting is so hard sometimes. I wonder if God ever feels that way? Does he ever think, “Hey guys, just listen to me. I know what I’m doing?” Does he get frustrated with our disobedience? The amazing thing is, though, that God forgives our failures out of love. We forgive our children’s failures out of love, and I think that’s how parents are made. Definitely why God is called our heavenly father. Sometimes, we are wild and unruly. We don’t always listen or do the right thing. Neither do our children. I’m far from perfect as a parent or a person, but more than anything, I hope my children know how much I love them and that I will do anything for them. For now, they can stay a little wild because those moments won’t last.
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Sunflowers and Roses
One of my favorite traditions of my husband and my anniversary is the re-creation of my wedding bouquet. Year after year, he finds a florist and has sunflowers, red roses, and one white rose placed in a bouquet in the same way that I carried it. (He also does this for Valentine’s Day, but I digress). The reason I appreciate this tradition is because he is great at remembering the little things that matter to me. It’s comforting to have someone who knows you so well that he remembers how you like your coffee or what you order at every place you eat. It’s the ability to know the little details and pay attention to what’s important. I used to take these things for granted. I would be so frustrated with the things he didn’t remember that I sometimes missed the things he did. We are not perfect. Our marriage is not perfect (no one’s is), but he is perfect for me. We are God’s gift to each other, and I wouldn’t trade anything for him and the life we have together. Every day with my husband is better than any day without (even when he makes me crazy).
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Ship Mutiny
When the chief is away, the pirates will play. Also known as dad was at a conference and mom was in charge. In normal me fashion, we had chaos while my husband was away for two and a half days, causing me to count down every minute. One of these moments was a slightly embarrassing fight with a water hose while trying to hydrate my flowers. Pro tip: always turn off the water before you try to re-attach the nozzle to the hose. If you don’t then you hydrate yourself as much as your flowers. From there, we had the wonderful experience of tandem crying from 2 to 6 am followed by crescendo of pterodactyl noises. The children had no sleep, I had no sleep, and I felt like I was losing my mind. From my point of view, life was chaotic, and I was fairly certain that the children were running the show. From my husband’s perspective, he wanted nothing more than to be involved in the chaos. He wanted to be home and tag teaming the nightly schedule. He would rather be chasing a toddler and rocking a baby. As a stay-at-home mom, I sometimes have resentment over the amount of work I feel like I do versus my husband. I spend my day chasing a toddler, arguing with a German Shepperd, taking care of a teething baby, cleaning a house, doing homework, cooking meals, and working on laundry. My day doesn’t stop from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. I love what I do, but sometimes I feel like my husband has an easier job. What I never realized was how much my husband missed out on the small moments that make my day. He doesn’t get to see every smile or hear every word. He has missed firsts, that I have been fortunate to catch. As much as he loves his job, he wishes he could be home. Video chatting my husband while he was gone made me realize how much he misses us. He took every opportunity he could to call and check in on how we were doing. He talked to our children before bed each night. When he came home, he spent the afternoon hugging and playing with our babies. What I learned was that the things I sometimes take for granted are moments that my husband would love to have. Yes, those two and a half days were chaos, and I haven’t figured out how to help our kids miss their dad less, but I am blessed to be home every day, raising our beautiful babies. I am grateful that my husband provides the opportunity for me to stay home with them. Next week will bring the opportunity for more mutiny and I will lose to my little crew sometimes, but that’s okay…. the chief has to come home eventually.
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Who Needs Self-Love When You Can Have Self-Loathing?
Content note: This post includes discussion of body image, self-worth, and negative self-talk.
I am not my own biggest fan. I am also not my own hype man, I am fortunate enough to have a spouse who does that for me. Honestly, I constantly find something wrong with myself despite everyone else’s efforts to tell me how wonderful they think I am. Congratulations on working on your masters. Well, I am not getting all A’s. Congratulations on having two kids. I haven’t lost the baby weight yet. You are such a blessing in my life. You should see me when I am angry. I am great at self-depricating. In fact, I became so good at it that when people would pick on me, I would laugh and say, “That’s all you found?” I don’t remember the last time I took a compliment without finding something wrong with me that negates it. I find every flaw and harp on it until I am able to fix it. It’s a terrible habit, striving for perfection only for it not to be possible. Perfection is unattainable. God designed humans in His image but not with the possibility of perfection. We have flaws, make the wrong choice, and do not always follow what He calls us to be. By God’s grace, we are forgiven for not being perfect. We are made whole in God’s strength, and that is perfect. One of my favorite phrases is God thought the world needed you. How amazing is that! God made the most amazing creations in the world, and he knew it needed me…..and you. That’s comforting beyond words. So when the world is telling us that we are not smart enough, pretty enough, or successful enough, remember that none of that matters and take all of the other words out because God says we are enough.
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How to be a Dad
I will start by saying that I do not know how to be a father. I’m a mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, niece, cousin, etc, and not a single one of those roles come with the knowledge of being a dad. I have a dad, a wonderful dad, actually, but that does not make me an expert on the topic. When I was younger, I prayed to find a man who held similar beliefs as my dad. He is honest, hardworking, good to his family, a wonderful dad, responsible, and will help anyone within his means. All in all, my father is a stand-up guy. My husband is honest, hardworking, good to his family, a wonderful father, and husband. My husband has a good father as well. He is a man who cares for his family, is dedicated, and follows God’s word. He has raised his sons to rely on God and to make him the center of all things in their lives. I am so grateful for how he raised my spouse. Though none of these men are perfect, that’s okay because neither am I. The only perfect being is God. Marriage is the joining of two imperfect people with God as the center of their lives. God is also important to have at the center of parenting too. God is a perfect father. In that perfection, he can teach us to be good parents. We learn forgiveness, grace, and unconditional love. We learn that as God loves us as his children, using his example, we can love our children well. Every day, I watch my husband with our children, and every day, I see a man who is trying to be a patient father. He spends time with his family and makes time for what is important. When God chose my husband, he chose a man who loves his family and is proud to be a father. I am so grateful for that. What makes a dad is love, unconditional love, and grace for their children. The desire to guide, strengthen, and lead their family. Today is a great day to celebrate all fathers in our lives and let them know what their dedication means to us.
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Chaos Coordinator
Have you ever had a day with your family where you really aren’t sure what is going on? Like what the kids were doing is so outlandish that you wonder where their ideas came from? Today was one of those days. It started when a little finger tapped me on my forehead this morning. This is how I learned our bright-eyed, bushy tailed toddler could escape her crib. From there, our day became a little more chaotic. Our little boy and girl spent about five minutes slapping eachothers hands and laughing hysterically. At least they were taking turns, I mean, it was not something that I thought would be fun, but far be it from me to judge our toddler and baby. We graduated to in tandem shrieking prior to nap time and woke up with chaos on their mind. Without giving a direct play-by-play on the entire day, I will admit that at some points, I raised my voice. There were moments when I was frustrated and wanted a couple of moments without chaos. All parents want moments where everything stops and the kids sit quietly, but I can not help but feel guilt when I have those moments. I feel guilt because I desperately wanted these children, yet when I have moments of wanting quiet, I feel terrible. I desperately want to be calm and collected at all times, I am so glad to be a mother. I am so proud of our children, but sometimes peace would be nice. Our babies are a blessing. They have taught me patience and helped me grow immensely as a person. God granted us these wonderful little humans to raise. Through our children, I have learned so much about myself and being a better person. Guiding them is also teaching me. Raising them is teaching me. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother, even if I do not always feel successful at it.
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Anchored Where We Grow
Faith, marriage, family, and military life—rooted in grace and grounded in real life.
I’m Sharon Kozak: Christian wife, mom, military spouse, marriage educator and coach, advocate, and Marriage & Family Therapy student.
Stay anchored. Tend the roots. Turn toward the Light. Make room to grow.
