The past few posts have looked at marriage killers, communication, building a strong foundation, and managing expectations of real-life love and social media expectations. These are important areas, but there’s more involved in marriage outside of these important basics. You can have a strong foundation, communicate well, avoid the trap of marriage killers, and be realistic with expectations but feel a lack of connection. So, what happens then? What happens when you feel like you are doing everything right? First, don’t panic because relationships have seasons. There are times when you and your spouse feel instep and connected, but others where you almost feel like strangers. Those are the seasons where it would be easy to fall into the trap of marriage killers and set unrealistic expectations. This season is where you and your spouse need to be a little more intentional about how you spend your time together, communicate, and connect.

Communication helps bring you back to the same page. There are times when one person feels a disconnect, but the other may not feel the same disconnect. Communication provides an understanding of where you are at individually and together. If you have questions about communication, check out my earlier post.

Another important thing to remember is feelings are not fact. There have been times that I felt there was a disconnection between Mark and I. He didn’t feel that way, but I did, and if he minimized my feelings, it would have made the situation worse. Whether my feelings were irrational or not, they felt real, and minimizing them would have led to me withdrawing into myself. This is all to say, listen to the feelings of your spouse but don’t minimize them. The feelings may not make sense to you, but they are quite real to them. On the other hand, when in a heavy emotional time, it is important to take a step back and find the root of those feelings and compare them to what you know is true. For example

Feeling: we should not be married anymore because we feel distant

Fact: my husband and I are going through a busy season of marriage and haven’t had much time together

Solution: we need to make it a point to set aside time to spend together to reconnect in a way that makes us feel more connected.

This example will not work when you are in the midst of the feelings, so I recommend working on this when you are in a more confident head space and can look at facts and feelings objectively.  Marriage is hard, love is a choice, and there is work involved. We learn to grow individually and together, but by God’s grace and a solid foundation built on Him, marriages will withstand.