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Never Meant to be Alone
This past Suday, we talked about how God designed human beings. We are meant for more than solitude. We were meant for community and unity with one another. Adam and Eve were the first people who were meant to build a life in the Garden of Eden. When we talked about the part of Genesis, where Adam and Eve were naked and not ashamed. Our pastor gave us a piece of information that I found to be pretty amazing. Naked wasn’t just not being clothed. It was being laid bare as a person. When we lost the Garden due to sin, we also became self-conscious and afraid to be ourselves with one another. We are so afraid to be rejected that we never give anyone the opportunity to accept our true selves. We are worried about not being enough, being too much, too fat, too thin, and we focus on everything that can go wrong in our relationships, so we close ourselves off. We reject others so that they won’t reject us. God doesn’t want us to be alone. He wants us to be a community with other believers. So, how do we avoid feeling like we aren’t enough? How do we fix the fear of being with others? We rely on God and work to not only love one another but ourselves as well.
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On the Move
I thought I was busy before having children, but now I’m constantly on the move. There’s always someone to chase after, toys to pick up, spills to clean, and laundry to wash. I hit my daily steps fairly early but never stopped moving. I love being a mom, and I don’t mind being busy, but sometimes I wish we could slow down. I have realized that with everything around me moving so fast, I miss the small moments. The new words that our children say, books we read together, the hugs they give. These are important moments that I don’t want to forget because I’m so wrapped up in washing dishes and vacuuming. I don’t want to be so obsessed with a clean, orderly home that I don’t take the time to play with our babies. I can have a clean home when they go to bed, when they leave home, but I can’t have missed play time back.
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Walking through the orchard
We picked apples as a family today. My husband takes the picking process seriously. He walks the aisle and looks the tree up and down to determine which ones are ready to be placed in the bag. My husband has quite a bit of patience and avoids the apples that aren’t ready. I don’t have as much knowledge about the picking process, so I rely on his expertise. What I have learned while picking apples with my spouse over the past four years is that seasons of waiting are where we learn patience. There are seasons where we are not ready for what we are asking for, God wants us to mature or learn lessons that will prepare us. There is value in waiting for our blessings. Like the best apples, God’s gifts are worth the wait.
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Take the Picture
Content note: This post includes discussion of postpartum body image and self-worth.
I am not the same size I was prior to having our children. Two babies back to back will do something to your body, and your confidence if we are being honest. I avoid pictures like the plague, I don’t remember the last time I felt secure or comfortable enough in my body to pose for anything more than a shoulder up selfie. As a result, I’m often the one behind the camera instead of in front of it. I take pictures of my husband with our children, our children, with all of their grandparents, but I avoid being next to my babies in a photo. All because I am insecure in my body. It’s selfish when I think about it. I could be robbing our family of photos to look back on because I am afraid of what other people think of me. I let the standards of beauty that society holds discourage my desire to take pictures at some pretty great moments. I thought I was too unattractive, too large. I let myself seek my worth based on my appearance rather than what God says. I didn’t listen to my husband when he told me that he thinks I’m beautiful and strong. I felt shame when looking at myself, rather than awe at what my body has done and continues to do. Today, I was in a picture that I didn’t delete. We were at an apple orchard, and a family offered to take a picture of our family. Instead of protesting, I let them take the picture. Instead of deleting the picture, I sent it. It’s a small step to letting more than my body define me, but it’s something. Whether you feel beautiful or not, take the picture because you are wonderful the way God made you.
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Boundaries
Our beloved baby boy is almost 10 months old and quite fast. He crawls like he’s on a mission and proficient at escape. Today, nana and I put the baby octagon in the living room. This circular creation of baby gate was aptly named by my husband because it reminded him of an MMA octagon when we had it for our daughter. While observing our son in his little area for the first time, his inclination was to try to escape. He wanted to move himself up or under in hopes of having more room to roam. He is an adventurer at heart, but aren’t we all? From the beginning of creation, we were given an entire garden, but humanity wanted more. We wanted to know what God knew, so Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. Like the octagon, the warning about the fruit was for the good of the children, but they wanted what they shouldn’t have. Essentially, we want freedom and the ability to make our own choices. We want to learn our own way and forge our own path. We don’t understand that boundaries are often for our protection. The boundaries of the baby gates are to keep our children from harm, and God’s boundaries are to help us try not to sin. But like human parents, God will be there to pick us up after we stumble, brush us off, comfort and chastise us, but help us to try again
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Paralyzing
Content note: This post discusses chronic illness and symptoms related to gastroparesis.
So I have this fun little condition called gastroparesis. Essentially, my stomach is rebelling against me and doesn’t like to digest food like it should. I haven’t had a flare-up since before being pregnant with our children, but my body is in full revolt, and food hasn’t been a friend in five days. Am I cranky? Yes! Hangry? Absolutely! I am also super frustrated and want nothing more than to be normal, but that’s not going to happen. So it’s up to me to fix my focus. On a positive note, liquid stays in so I’m not dehydrated. I can sip coffee in the morning and still chase after my children. It’s a little harder to focus, but I’m still blogging and working on school. There are so many things that I am grateful for that outweigh the pesky lack of food problems. So I’ll grab a coffee and a water with electrolytes and keep on moving through my day (maybe with an extra nap).
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Cheifaversary
If you wonder what the title of my post is today, it’s chiefaversary. This means my husband was a chief select one year ago this week. It’s funny looking back at those seven weeks of my life and remembering every moment I could have done differently. For anyone who has gone through the season, it is hard. The select is challenged individually and as a group, but the family is challenged also. To be completely honest, I was not the most supportive human. I cringe at many of the memories because I really hurt my husband’s feelings at times, I am not proud of my behavior. I have a million excuses for my behavior, I was pregnant, we had a young child, I was far from family, I was busy with school, but really none of those mean I should have acted unreasonably. I look back at this time with shame, but it’s a lesson. Every experience we have in life is a lesson. My lesson was thinking before I spoke and trying to find the positive in every situation. I learned not to be jealous of the time my husband spends away from home because he would rather be with us. I learned to meet in the middle and try to be flexible when plans change. None of these lessons have been perfected. In fact, I still get frustrated, but it has opened up communication channels we did not have before. We learned to solve problems as a team and work together. We learned the type of time we need from each other and how to prioritize. I do not miss chief season and am glad we do not have to experience it as a select family again, but if there’s any wisdom I could impart is don’t spend the precious time you have with your spouse complaining and being angry, don’t hold their schedule against them, and remember that this season will pass. One day, it will be a memory and nothing more.
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Seeking God
I like to believe that I am always seeking God’s wisdom. I want to say that I am always chasing after God, but I am human and fall victim to choosing other pursuits over him. I do not always prioritize my time with God. In fact, I have a bad habit of mindlessly scrolling social media when I could be in my Bible. Lately, I have truly begun thinking about my relationship with God a lot more, and I realized I need to pursue him. When we want to have a relationship with someone, we make time for them. We carve out hours in our day where we check in with those we care about. Generally, our close friends and family feel cared for and sought out because we make an effort. Our relationship with God is no different. Yes, God knows our hearts and innermost thoughts, but as much as he wants a relationship with us, we need to want one with him. We need to prioritize time with God and actively seek him rather than half-heartedly talk to him when we have a need. The way I see it, I would not be happy if someone only came to me if they wanted something, so I can’t imagine God would either. I have started prioritizing time with God to show my children the importance of not only our relationships with other people but also the relationship we have with God. I hope you find a moment with God today because it will change your life.
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Vow Renegotiations
My husband and I wrote our own vows. Four years ago, we said them in front of family and friends and meant them with all our hearts. What I discovered, as our marriage has matured, is that people grow and change. Parts of our vows are no longer applicable, and others could be so much deeper. For example, my husband vowed to look away from the t.v. when I’m talking to him (false, I may add), and I promised not to run any time I become upset or afraid (unfortunately, a habit that has not exactly gone away). The point is, our wedding vows are well meaning, but some may be promises that we are not sure we can keep. I have a hard time not wanting to run when I think everything is falling apart, but I can promise to talk to my husband when I am getting close to panicking. My husband may not always look away from the t.v. when I talk, he can promise to make time to talk to me when he gets home. The point is, as we mature as individuals, God gives us the opportunity to mature in our marriage. There is so much that we can learn, whether we are married four or forty years, about our spouses. I may not be perfect as a wife, but I will work on marriage every day. I will work to honor God and my husband, and I will do my best to act out of love.
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Thirty-two years
Content note: This post includes discussion of eating disorders, anxiety and depression, grief, and pregnancy loss.
This past Saturday, I celebrated my 32nd birthday. When you think about it, that’s a long time. Three decades of life that provided a great deal of memories, both good and bad. In this period of time, I have learned about God’s never-ending grace. Throughout most of my life, I felt abandoned by God. I thought everything bad that had happened was due to the mistakes I made. I thought the sins I had committed made God turn his back on me and allow the pain I experienced. From eating disorders, insecurity, anxiety, depression, experiencing close loved ones dying, failed relationships, miscarriage, loneliness, all of these things in my life were not a result of God leaving me. God was with me always. He was just waiting for me to reach my arms out and call him. I didn’t become a Christian until I was 28, I grew up Catholic, but I did not really have a relationship with God. It took a period of intense heartbreak and loss to help me turn to him. I was at a point where it felt as if I had nothing to lose, so why not try to get closer with God? It was uncomfortable and scary even because I had to take a long, hard look at myself and measure against who and what God calls me to be. I had to learn to let go of anger, bitterness, control, fear, insecurity, basically everything that was holding me back from truly seeking God. I would be lying if I said I was past all of these behaviors, but I still struggle. I am human, and human nature is to sin. I do, however, try daily to give my weaknesses to God in the hope that he will help me. God hasn’t failed me, and he won’t fail you either. The positive part of these three decades? I have loved and been loved by amazing family, great friends, and an amazing husband. I have two beautiful babies that are nothing more than miracles. I have a relationship with God that grows daily and the opportunity to share his word with others. I reignited my passion for writing, achieved academic success, lived in various parts of the country, and met many new people. I am blessed beyond measure and working tirelessly on being grateful every day for everything I have been given. Living this long has been a blessing and I pray for many more years.
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Anchored Where We Grow
Faith, marriage, family, and military life—rooted in grace and grounded in real life.
I’m Sharon Kozak: Christian wife, mom, military spouse, marriage educator and coach, advocate, and Marriage & Family Therapy student.
Stay anchored. Tend the roots. Turn toward the Light. Make room to grow.
