A post I wrote almost two weeks ago stated I was doing a fast from complaining. This meant I was going to turn my frustrations over to God and leave them with him. I was going to find the positive in all things, and I was going to do everything with a cheerful heart. That lasted maybe three days. After those three days, complaints came with a vengeance. I was overwhelmed, over tired, and over it. I did, however, learn from this experience, even though I did not successfully complete my fast. The first thing I learned was that it takes just as much energy to complain, if not more, than if I were to find the positive in the moment. The second thing I learned is that it is just so easy to complain when others are complaining. Have you ever had a friend that it’s so easy to either suck them in, or be sucked in, to complaining together? It is so easy to slip into complaining when others around you are so beware of temptation. Third, I learned that I am not fully trusting God if I keep picking back up my frustrations instead of leaving them with him. By picking up the burdens I lay at the cross, I am essentially telling God that I can take care of this matter better than he can. Well, being that I am not perfect and cannot manage anything in my own strength, this is quite the mistake. I did not make it ten days without complaining, but I learned to take small steps to include more positivity to my life and to trust God more than I trust myself.

Did you know there is more than just one type of fast? When I became a Christian, I was always afraid of what a food fast meant. I thought I would have to be like Jesus and go without eating for 40 days. Although I could easily go 40 days without food, thank you, gastroparesis, it would hardly mean as much to me as it would to someone who doesn’t have a body that rejects food. Today, the guest pastor of our church discussed other fasts and what fasting really means. Fasting is meant to turn us away from worldly means of escape and back to God. Sometimes, we run to food to escape stress. Others may scroll social media to get away from their problems. There are also other focuses that take our attention, such as relationships, money, drugs, alcohol, work, television, and the list that can go on. The purpose of fasting from these distractions is to listen to what God wants us to do and how to use our gifts rather than avoiding our problems. God calls us to turn to him for all things, but we often choose to take the easier path to diversion. It won’t be easy to move our focus from the comfortable distractions to intentionally focusing on God, but it will be worth it to really experience peace from the difficult experiences in our lives. What do you need to fast from?

I am fairly petty at times. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s a part of me that is being worked on. I always tell my mother in love that I am not sorry about something, but I might be in three to five business days. This comes from my desire not to admit fault because I don’t like to feel like I’m wrong. In fact, I don’t like to admit that I’m wrong. I tend to believe that everyone else is incorrect, and I’m right, righteous, and I’m fair. Well, in those cases, I am playing God. I’m acting like I’m perfect and not needing to change. I’m not perfect, I’m not always right (or righteous). I think that people should be more like me, do things the way I would. Life would be so much better, easier if I was in charge. Another case of playing God. I look at all of my cases of frustration, anger, pettiness, unreasonableness, temper tantrums, and stubbornness, I realize that I am not even close to being qualified to play God. I am humbled by his forgiveness, presence, grace, love, and faithfulness. These are all characteristics that I could only aspire to have. God would not need three to five business days to forgive or not be angry anymore. Unfortunately, I do, but I’m a work in progress. God hasn’t given up on me, so I will not give up either.

I like to think I give everything I have to God. I sometimes think that I give God all the best of me, but never the worst. I give him my praise, love, prayer, reverence, and honor. But… I never give him my brokenness. I hide parts of myself from God and try to fix it alone. I try to hide the pettiness, insecurity, jealousy, anger, pain, weakness, and hope that God doesn’t see the parts that need repair. These are the parts of me that only God can repair. By giving God my damaged or broken parts, I am truly giving him all of me. That’s all God wants. He wants our all, not just the shiny new parts of us. When we hide the broken pieces, we are telling God that we don’t trust him to love us. We don’t trust him to see who we really are. We don’t think he can heal us and make us whole. What is preventing you from giving God everything? For me, it’s a fear of acceptance and losing control of my life. A little secret, I don’t have control over my life because I need to give it to God.

Have you ever had something or someone placed on your heart by God? For example, there’s a person that has hurt you, and God wants you to forgive? Maybe God wants you to pray for them. But you don’t want to? My first thought in this situation is that I’d rather not. I have argued with God and pleaded with him that I am not the right person. I’ve told him that he doesn’t understand how much chaos or the negative feelings they may have caused. I question if I’m capable of not holding a grudge or if I’m really called to go where I’m being sent. I am willing to admit that I become bitter when confronted with the thought of forgiveness at times. I keep having opportunities to show forgiveness to others the way God forgives me. I also keep failing in these opportunities because I am human. There’s too much of me, and I really need to give more to God. One day, I pray that I will have more of God’s strength than my own. I pray that I will have the strength to follow him without question or complaint. One day, I hope I can say okay instead of I’d rather not.

I wasn’t always the best person at times. I could be selfish, I always wanted to be right, and I had a hard time admitting when I was part of the problem. I wanted to refuse to grow. I felt like everything was the problem of someone else. I thought that I was in the clear morally. However, I had and still have flaws that need to be recognized. I was not morally sound in every situation. There were times when I refused to admit that I was wrong. I made every excuse to refuse to change, but the more time went on, the more my heart grew unsettled. As I grew as a person and experienced God, I learned that I could and must change. Not admitting fault, not realizing that I had moments of toxicity was not pursuing who God called me to be. I started with apologies, I talked to anyone that I had hurt or wronged in my moments of pettiness, anger, or immaturity. I made amends through truly changing my actions and admitting my faults to myself and others. I have become honest about my flaws because I am not perfect, but through God, I am made whole. We all have a choice to make. We can either do our best to walk the path of righteousness and confess when we wrong others, or we can spend our time on earth with the belief that everyone around us needs to change but we don’t. I would much rather the former than the latter and take comfort in knowing I can face God one day with a repentant heart and the knowledge that I lived to the best of my ability as who God called me to be.

Content note: This post includes discussion of infertility.

Have you ever had the same prayer as another person in your life and theirs was answered, but yours wasn’t? Well, it wasn’t that your prayer wasn’t answered, but you received a not yet, and theirs was yes? It’s painful. It’s hard not to be jealous when other people get what you are asking for, what you believe you deserve. I experienced this for seven years when I was experiencing issues with fertility. I was bitter and angry and felt like I was a good person who deserved good things. But when I looked at that season of my life from the outside, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t in the season of life to have a baby and be a good mom. I had so much left to learn about myself, I didn’t have the right person in my life at first, and I needed to heal from a lot of things. What felt like a no was a not yet. God knew I wasn’t ready. He knew there was so much more that needed to change in my life before I could be the mom my children need. God answers all prayers. Sometimes it’s a no, or not yet, but when the time is right, God gives you a yes. I still struggle with the wait and not yet. I am always in such a hurry, and when I want something, I fixate on it. Sometimes, I run the risk of making what I am asking God for my God. These are the times that I need to remember to take a step back, and instead of asking why not me ask what are you teaching me.