I hate new year’s resolutions; I can’t be the only one, right? It is so easy for people to give up after the first month if we do not stick to them. January 1st rolls around, and we choose things such as losing weight, reading more, having patience, or being more organized. Whatever your resolution is, it’s statistically likely that January is the time where it’s made or broken. I have a difficult time keeping resolutions past February. I have the best intentions, but I fall short. So, this year, I am trying something different. I received a wonderful book for a Christmas gift (thank you Homefront Heros Ministry) that discusses the practice of putting God first in our lives and letting him take control. I struggle in this area. I hate relinquishing control, it scares me to rely on anyone outside of myself, even God. This year, I am going to try every day to put God first in my life. Like any other aspect of change, it is a minute-by-minute, day-by-day activity that causes us to break down walls and trust God’s plan in our lives. I have not finished the book, but I must say that I am looking forward to putting the new knowledge to good use in the new year and beyond. What are your hopes and dreams for the future? How can I pray about them with you?

Have you ever tried to change as a person? Like really desired to change your negative, deep rooted, angsty pieces of yourself that are too ugly to love? This is going to be a post where I pour out my ugly because I am on a roll about being honest with y’all. (Please don’t unfollow me!) There is a point to this all I promise. The point is two-fold. First no one is perfect (not even a blogger) and the second is that change is possible, but hard. My big problems are that I can be judgy of myself and others. I like to think that other people should live up to my standards. I think my way is the best way and others should listen to me. I sometimes think people would be better off if they all approached life like I do. Spoiler alert, this is called playing God. Now, I am not good at playing God and neither is anyone else. We are missing valuable attributes that make being God, God. The first is that we do not know everything. We do not know everyone’s circumstances, experiences, hearts, minds, motives (I could go on but there would be so much). Another is we are not great at forgiveness or giving grace to others. God forgives our sins and extends grace to us over and over again. I, on the other hand, do not have the patience to forgive someone doing the same things over and over again. Forgiving as far as the East is from the West and seven times seventy-times is a lot harder than I would have expected. So outside of the sin of believing most people should be like me, I also have a hard time forgiving over-and-over again, easily annoyed, and judge far too much. You may be asking why I am telling you this, you’ve read the attributes of God that we all lack and what some of my sins consist of. I am telling you this because you can change and so can I. Change come from God through prayer and opportunity. I have prayed for patience and received opportunities to spend time with people that I find difficult. I have prayed for a forgiving nature and ran into people that have hurt me or family members and had the opportunity to forgive them. I have also had the opportunity to learn that there are many other personalities with other ways of doing things and had to learn how to avoid interference. These opportunities are painful, growth is painful, but we are not meant to be stagnant in life. God gives us chances in life to turn from our sinful, human nature and be more like him. We have the opportunity to die to ourselves every day and give every frustrating situation over to God. Thank you for listening to my confession and I hope, one day, you give yours.

I think I should be able to do it all. End of story, if I think it, I believe I can do it. There is nothing more overwhelming then seeing something and being like “oh yeah, I am going to pour some of myself into that”. For most people, that isn’t a problem, unless you are juggling other things too. For example, I am blogging, writing my thesis, raising a two and almost one year old, prayer team member, Bible study participant, working on volunteering for NavyLine, devotional/prayer writer, and wife. Plus, I am working on homemaking skills such as baking to save money on breads, running a household, and just never not moving. I am slowly losing my mind, feeling like I am failing, and not ready to give anything up. See, my problem is thinking that I can do it all, be it all, and make it look awesome. That’s sin, if I am going to be totally judgy of myself for a second. I am trying to show off my abilities and talents rather than using them for God. Some of these things, my worldly self is like hey everyone thinks I can do it all flawlessly (Gold star for me!). On the other hand, I feel like I cannot show anyone that I am cracking because I set the precedent of throw on a smile, do it all with ease and never show weakness. I am not showing my children a good example of a Christian. If I am completely honest with myself, the reason I am feeling like I am failing is because I am trying it all in my own strength and my own way. God is the only one who can get me through the valleys and mountains in my life. My successes are his credit, and his forgiveness is my biggest blessing. By doing what I have been doing, I am not practicing what I preach and not really being honest. My talents are gifts, and I will use them as such, but I also need to know when to prioritize my family and not be so busy that I miss out on important moments. I don’t want my children to look back on their childhood and remember a clean house, but a stressed-out mom. I don’t want them to think about beautiful desserts, but they never made them with me. I don’t want them to wish that I took time out of my day to value them over my own pursuits. If my children learn anything from me, I hope they remember a mom that loves them, relied on God, and pushed through life with His strength, and praise in her heart. So, I will not be taking on new projects (outside of what I have) and I will restructure and keep my eyes on what matters most.

I am in a Bible study! That’s a major achievement because I am a socially awkward human being who needs a ton of reassurance. Honestly, I talk way too much when I am nervous (every single week I am nervous). The women in my study are wise and have multiple years on me when it comes to being a Christian. Sometimes, I am intimidated by all of the wisdom in one room, but mainly, it can be comforting. I am still a new Christian (a toddler Christian essentially), and seeing women who have been Christians for years not having the answers and seeking God with all their hearts comforts me. Our study shows me that I always need to keep my focus on God, sharing the gospel, and helping others know His love and glory. I have learned that being a Christian for years doesn’t mean having life figured out, being perfect, or not sinning. We all stumble and fall, but the important part is to confess and get back up to try again. I am definitely not perfect, but that’s okay because I am loved and forgiven by my God who is.

I like the idea of changing. I have read so many books on how to improve areas of my life and I implement these changes as I see fit. The key phrase being IF I see fit. When you want to change in your own power, read a self-help book. If you want to change in a way that tests your resolve, ask God to change you. When I ask God to help me improve in areas of my life that I feel convicted that I am deficient in, I tend to get opportunities to act in a manner contrary to my nature. For example, if I pray to be a more patient mother, I get opportunities where my children try my patience and given the option to respond in love and patience or frustration. The choice is mine, but it can be painful. To have opportunities to do the right thing, wanting to change, and trying to change in my own power is a recipe for disaster. I am not strong enough to make all of the changes that I want for my life on my own. I am human, imperfect, fallen, and overall prone to a lack of patience. I also am forgiven, redeemed, loved, and given grace by God. No matter how many times I fall, he picks me back up, dusts me off, and helps me try again. When opportunity knocks, no matter how scary it is, I will continue to answer.