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Building Better Marriages
It’s often believed that marriage takes two people to make a marriage work. That a marriage is 50/50 and requires sacrifice. I disagree completely in two out of the three areas. The first, a marriage is not sustainable without God at the center. Yes, I’m sure that this sounds cliche but how can the creator of humanity, and marriage, not be at the center? How can the Father not be in His design? How can we expect our marriages to be blessed if we don’t ask for the only one who can bless us to be with us? Leaving God out of marriage is a mistake that couples make but can be rectified by inviting Him back in. Second, marriage is not 50/50. In marriage it is two people giving 100% of themselves and giving more when the other partner cannot. Marriage means two people loving each other when its hard. Love is a choice, we make this choice every day because we believe in our relationships. We decide to stand beside our spouse because we know that love means fighting and pushing for the person that God joined us to. Marriage is a sanctifying process where we die to ourselves and our selfishness. I do believe marriage takes sacrifice. We sacrifice our personal desires to make choices that benefit our families. We work together, because we see stronger together than apart. Marriage is a beautiful sacrifice that allows us to love in the way God calls us to love others.
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Putting effort in your marriage
Marriage is difficult. Like anything else, a relationship is work. What happens when you feel like you’re the only one putting in the effort?
All marriages hit rough patches, but sometimes it feels like you’re trying harder than your spouse. In those periods of life, take a step back and consider a couple of things
- What is the temperature of your heart? This means checking for resentment, anger, disappointment, sadness, or other uncomfortable feelings towards your spouse. Doing this can tell you what your heart posture is.
- Where are the feelings coming from? Is there an increase in stress in home, work, or other areas of your life? Has there been an experience with your spouse that triggers a past experience that is painful?
- Have you spoken to your spouse about your feelings? Sometimes, we feel like our marriages are in an unhealthy state, but our spouses don’t. Sharing feelings in healthy ways can encourage open dialogs to uncover problems and solutions.
- When was the last time you spent time together? It’s important, even when having children, to make time for yourself and your spouse as well. It’s easy to disconnect with your spouse (and even yourself) by not consciously making time.
Above all, it’s hard to judge the heart of your spouse and their effort towards your marriage. Communication uncovers a multitude of assumptions. Marriage is a team effort, with individuals who
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Communication in Military Marriages
As a military spouse of almost six years, I do not pretend to know everything about military life or marriage as a whole. I do know, however, that one of the major problems tends to be communication. This week, I will break down the different communication styles and techniques that might be involved with military relationships starting with boot camp.
Boot camp is anywhere from 8 to 13 weeks, depending on the branch. During this time, recruits learn to work as a team and the fundamentals of their chosen branch. The main communication option for families with a loved one in boot camp is letters. Calls are allowed as the recruits move through the levels, but they are not lengthy. Communication during boot camp can be difficult due to a variety of challenges. The service member is going through abnormal levels of stress that is uncommon to them. They are experiencing a new routine, sleeping less than they might normally, sharing a room with multiple people, and constantly trying to follow the rules and keep up with all the knowledge they are expected to have at graduation. The spouse is experiencing changes as well. This may be the longest separation period of the marriage thus far. They are now doing all the work at home that might have once been divided, and there is little communication. Writing letters can be difficult due to the time period it takes to send and receive letters. It’s possible for letters to arrive out of order, which is why it is recommended to number the letters so the person can read them in order. Furthermore, it is almost impossible to discuss important matters via letter because of the time period between sending and receiving letters.
What is some communication advice for couples who are experiencing boot camp separation?
If possible, leave important conversations tabled until they can be held on the phone or in person. In order to have a productive conversation, it is better to wait until both people can be present and actually hear the intention behind their partner’s words. If an important conversation is time sensitive and can not be tabled, do not make assumptions on the tone of the other person, and it is okay to ask clarifying questions either over the phone or through writing. Furthermore, it is okay to tell your spouse you love and miss them. It’s okay to talk about your daily life and ask questions about what boot camp is like. Finally, I recommend being encouraging because both people are going through a hard time. Communication is hard anyway, but communication where your only options are writing and short phone calls can be more daunting.
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Welcome Back
After a five month break, I am returning to writing with the topic this summer being military marriages!
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Seasons in Marriage
The past few posts have looked at marriage killers, communication, building a strong foundation, and managing expectations of real-life love and social media expectations. These are important areas, but there’s more involved in marriage outside of these important basics. You can have a strong foundation, communicate well, avoid the trap of marriage killers, and be realistic with expectations but feel a lack of connection. So, what happens then? What happens when you feel like you are doing everything right? First, don’t panic because relationships have seasons. There are times when you and your spouse feel instep and connected, but others where you almost feel like strangers. Those are the seasons where it would be easy to fall into the trap of marriage killers and set unrealistic expectations. This season is where you and your spouse need to be a little more intentional about how you spend your time together, communicate, and connect.
Communication helps bring you back to the same page. There are times when one person feels a disconnect, but the other may not feel the same disconnect. Communication provides an understanding of where you are at individually and together. If you have questions about communication, check out my earlier post.
Another important thing to remember is feelings are not fact. There have been times that I felt there was a disconnection between Mark and I. He didn’t feel that way, but I did, and if he minimized my feelings, it would have made the situation worse. Whether my feelings were irrational or not, they felt real, and minimizing them would have led to me withdrawing into myself. This is all to say, listen to the feelings of your spouse but don’t minimize them. The feelings may not make sense to you, but they are quite real to them. On the other hand, when in a heavy emotional time, it is important to take a step back and find the root of those feelings and compare them to what you know is true. For example
Feeling: we should not be married anymore because we feel distant
Fact: my husband and I are going through a busy season of marriage and haven’t had much time together
Solution: we need to make it a point to set aside time to spend together to reconnect in a way that makes us feel more connected.
This example will not work when you are in the midst of the feelings, so I recommend working on this when you are in a more confident head space and can look at facts and feelings objectively. Marriage is hard, love is a choice, and there is work involved. We learn to grow individually and together, but by God’s grace and a solid foundation built on Him, marriages will withstand.
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Building a Foundation
As any architect or construction person knows, to build anything correctly, you need a firm foundation. This often looks like a slab of concrete, but that slab is the first step of building someone’s dream of a home or a business. This is true in marriage. To have a strong marriage, two people must lay the foundation. I asked Mark once if you could give our marriage a mission statement. What would it be? The purpose of this question was to see what we, as a couple, and individually see as the most important basic foundation of our marriage. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are questions prior to marriage that are absolutes and need to be decided on. Like other marriage counselors and coaches, I believe finances, number of children, career paths, and religion are often nonnegotiable to a person. Many marriages that ultimately fail started with “I thought I could change their mind about (insert nonnegotiable). So, these decisions are the mold for the foundation and deciding together. The values of your marriage are the cement slab that everything else is built on. If you are reading this and are already married, it’s not too late to build your foundation, and sometimes those values change over time and need to be revisited. The purpose of the foundation is to have a strong base that you and your spouse can build on together.
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Unwinding my Anxious Heart
Content note: This post discusses anxiety, self-image, emotional overwhelm, and mental health.
I took a break from writing between school and the holidays so I could refresh with my family. I needed to take a little time to continue some old traditions and start a few new. As New Years came and went, I noticed that the past couple of months, something was missing. The normal anxiety I feel, the doubts I have in myself, was somewhat stronger. I found myself being short with my children, husband. Honestly, anyone who was around at times caught my snippets of snark. The comparisons came lurking back, dislike of my appearance, fear of not being enough, the lies kept coming back. As much as I hate to admit it, I haven’t been back to church. I felt like a phony because I feel like God is so far away right now, and I didn’t know how to get back to him. My prayers felt pitiful and unworthy because I put God on the back burner of my life. I tried to fill myself with tasks that made me feel better about myself so that I could tell myself some trumped-up version of how great I am. Look at everything I can do, look at everything I can do alone. While cleaning out my desk to move to my new office in the basement, I found a book that I hadn’t read all the way through yet. Jesus Over Everything by Lisa Wittle was gifted to me by my dear sisters at Homefront Heros. In a moment of desperation, I began chapter one to see how to truly recalibrate my life. My priorities are completely off. Instead of starting my day with emails or scrolling social media, I need to turn back to my Bible and fill my cup before I start my day filling others. At night, instead of playing games on my phone or watching mindless videos, I need to spend time in God’s word so my mind can have rest. This post hasn’t matched the theme of helping with marriage or parenting, but it’s important to be honest with ourselves and each other when we are feeling out of sorts. Me first isn’t leading me where I want to be. It’s hindering me from my calling because I can not do it all myself.
This year, I chose a word like always, and it is surrender. I’m having a hard time (as mentioned) with this. I can not do it alone and need to rely on God’s strength to hold me up in my weaknesses.
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Rebuilding Trust: Overcoming Marriage Killers
Before forgiveness, an action breaks trust and can hurt the marriage. Although various actions can fall into this category, we will look at a couple major marriage killers. I want to clearly state that I do not condone domestic violence. I do not encourage it, nor do I endorse it. If you are experiencing domestic violence, please seek help.
Addiction can kill a marriage, whether drugs, alcohol, phones, gambling, sex, pornography, food, or (insert addiction here). When there is addiction, that becomes the priority of the person who is addicted. As a result, the marriage will suffer. Intimacy and time with the spouse will not provide the same dopamine rush as the “drug of choice”. This can lead to feeling bitter, mourning the marriage that you expected, loneliness, and a desire to give up. When addiction enters a marriage, the spouse is no longer the priority. Often, the person who is addicted is too close to see the problem. Those who are addicted often have to hit rock bottom before they decide to change. This is true because that is usually when they see the damage.
Infidelity (obviously) can kill a marriage. Trust is lost when one spouse steps out of the marriage. This can happen whether dating or married. They leave and enter the arms of another. This is not always be physical, because emotional infidelity is common as well. Unlike physical infidelity, emotional infidelity causes the spouse to pull away from their significant other. They move those emotions and feelings onto another person. The spouse shares information with the affair partner that they do not share with their spouse. As a result, affection transfers from the spouse to the outside individual. This pain is just as intense as physical infidelity. This is especially true for women because they experience a loss of connection. This loss leads to decreased intimacy both physically and emotionally. Physical infidelity involves engaging in physical intimacy with someone other than your spouse or significant other. Like addiction, trust is broken, and the marriage is fractured.
Disrespect kills a marriage just as much as the other two topics. Have you heard the phrase “men need respect and women need affection”? Scientifically, it has been proven. Both spouses can be disrespected in a marriage. Often, disrespect occurs when tension is running high or during an argument. Disrespect can be name-calling, cursing, or berating. It involves blaming or character attacks. It includes telling others about private business or making fun of a spouse to friends or family. Threats of leaving and anything else that can intentionally hurt your spouse are also forms of disrespect. Any of these can cause a constant fight-or-flight feeling. Threats of leaving, especially, affect the spouse being attacked. Living in a constant state of anxiety can cause anyone to break and leave a marriage.
Money (mis)management is another marriage killer. According to scientists, the biggest fight among couples is due to money. Conversations surrounding money become a fight due to different goals and habits. It also happens when one person has more of a say in the budgeting than the other. If one person spends more than the budget allows or bills are not paid, resentment can grow in the marriage. Not having an equal say in budgeting and finance can lead to a slippery slope. This result in financial abuse, although that is not a guarantee.
Can a marriage come back from this? If you and your spouse decide to forgive, then yes. Staying in a marriage that has experienced these issues is possible. It requires working towards trust and extending grace. True repentance and forgiveness are also needed. Seeking therapy is recommended.
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Understanding Forgiveness: A Guide for Couples
In the last post, we discussed how to argue in a productive way. Every argument comes with the opportunity to forgive and agree to move forward or to hold onto anger and hurt, often replaying the transgression in your mind over and over. Forgiveness is a hard pill to swallow sometimes because many see it as giving the person who hurt you a free pass. Forgiveness is a show of strength rather than weakness. Forgiving your partner and working through the problems you experience is not sweeping things under the rug; it is fighting for your relationship.
A case study that I found in one of my marriage and family therapy textbooks addressed a couple that experienced losing everything due to a secret gambling issue. The wife was angry because she felt lied to and the husband felt shame. Both individuals wanted to move on from the betrayal and towards a more honesty and healthy future, but the wife would often bring back her suspicions during arguments and become angry about everything the couple lost and lashed out. If any of you are like me, you can probably see why the wife was angry and believe that she is justified in her outbursts of anger, but there is no place for those actions once the decision is made to forgive and move forward.
What does forgiveness look like when a problem arises in your relationship, and you choose to work through the problem? Depending on the circumstances, any or all of the following things might need to occur;
- Marriage counseling is strongly recommended. The reason for this is both parties have a safe space to discuss their perceptions of the actions that prompted the need for forgiveness, especially in situations of addiction, infidelity, abuse, or any other breech in trust that may be difficult for one or both individuals to move past alone.
- Giving the hurt party time to adjust and grieve the action. The hurt party will need time to process the infraction that caused a need for forgiveness, this is understandable and should not be held against the hurt individual. I recommend individual therapy as well in order to gain insight into ways to cope with feelings of betrayal or mistrust.
- The offending party makes amends. This may look different for each relationship and the action that drove the couple to this place in their marriage. The offending party must honestly show remorse and be willing to work with the hurt party in gaining forgiveness and trust if applicable.
- Putting the past behind. This does not mean the action is forgotten, but once both people choose to move forward in the relationship and introduce forgiveness for the infraction it cannot be brought back. This means the hurt party cannot bring up the infraction as a way to win arguments or justify their own harmful behaviors. Forgiving means putting away the temptation and opportunity to bring up old wounds to shame your partner.
Forgiveness is a difficult choice, especially when the person you love the most acted in a way that causes mistrust in the relationship. In the Lord’s prayer, we ask God to forgive our sins the way we forgive the sins of others. Forgiveness is something we choose to do for ourselves. It is a way to set us free from the burden of anger, sadness, misery, and other awful feelings that we may hold towards another person. Holding onto a grudge does not harm the other person, it only causes harm to ourselves. To truly forgive means to take away power from the person who hurt you and leave them to God’s judgement rather than yours.
Is it possible to forgive a person, even if you do not make the choice to remain in a relationship with them? Yes, it is important to forgive someone who is no longer in your life because it takes a weight off of your heart. Forgiveness does not always mean welcoming someone back into your life after you have been wronged, it is choosing to give up revenge rather than taking it.
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Transforming Arguments: Marital Collaboration Tips
Yesterday we looked at what happens when we share our private arguments with people outside of the marriage and the result of taking sides. Today, we look at how to fight the problem rather than your partner. Fighting a problem looks a lot different because of the tactical approach. Fighting a problem requires collaboration and compromise instead of focusing on wins and losses.
My husband and I began our marriage fighting each other versus fighting the problem. Both of us experienced prior relationships where our prior partners placed being right and unfair tactics above solving the problem at hand. Due to the baggage, we brought into our relationship we had to relearn how to argue. Before we learn how to fight the problem, we should look at how we have been fighting us partners.
What are tactics used in fighting our partners?
- Shutting down: This is being so mad that you purposely ignore or shut the other person out. Silence is used as a punishment and requires the other person to relent their position to avoid this tactic
- Name calling: Rather than focusing on the problem, you call the other person names or insinuate that they are stupid for holding their position. This often causes the other person to relent because they start believing they are stupid or unintelligent and so is their stance.
- Bringing up the past: If you bring up a topic that is not related to the problem in order to make the other person feel guilt or shame, that is fighting the person. This can be a low blow because your partner might think the prior problem was solved but throwing it out when angry shows a lack of interest in problem solving and a desire to hurt feelings.
- Intimidation: Becoming physical such as fighting, blocking the other person from leaving the room, getting in the other person’s face or other physically or emotionally intimidating tactics is never appropriate and starts a slippery slope to abuse. If it is difficult to control your temper when you are angry, take time to calm down prior to solving problems with your partner.
- Isolation: This occurs when one partner isolates the other through convincing them that everyone believes they are wrong. This tactic makes the partner second guess their beliefs and opinions, weakening their resolve. This is also another tactic that can start on a slippery slope to abuse.
Tactics to Fight the Problem
- Find time to talk without distractions: Solutions can be difficult to focus on when overwhelmed. If you and your spouse are surrounded by chaos, everything can feel overwhelming. Carve out a time to bring your grievances and ideal solutions to the table without the stress of everyday life compounding it.
- Identify the problem prior to starting: Give the problem a name such as needs not being met, differences in childrearing styles, financial goals, etc. By giving the problem a name, the “enemy” is identified as an outsider rather than an “insider” being the two of you.
- Identify where you can compromise: Developing solutions in marriage require compromise from both parties. No one can have everything they want and that is okay, so identify the areas you both feel strongly about and find a middle ground that is acceptable to both of you.
- Start with prayer: By starting with prayer, you are asking God for wisdom and the ability to address conflict without hurting your spouse.
- Remember you are a team: Problems can be temporary if you remember that you can tackle any issue placed in your way if you work as a team and compromise.
Fighting against the problem requires self-control and knowing how you react in volatile situations. As mentioned in all of the marriage posts, love is a choice. We wake up every morning with the opportunity to choose whether we still love our spouse or not. Fighting is an area that many couples struggle with because we are taught that fighting is wrong. Fighting, in itself, is not wrong but how we fight can be.
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Anchored Where We Grow
Faith, marriage, family, and military life—rooted in grace and grounded in real life.
I’m Sharon Kozak: Christian wife, mom, military spouse, marriage educator and coach, advocate, and Marriage & Family Therapy student.
Stay anchored. Tend the roots. Turn toward the Light. Make room to grow.
