Yesterday we looked at what happens when we share our private arguments with people outside of the marriage and the result of taking sides. Today, we look at how to fight the problem rather than your partner. Fighting a problem looks a lot different because of the tactical approach. Fighting a problem requires collaboration and compromise instead of focusing on wins and losses.

My husband and I began our marriage fighting each other versus fighting the problem. Both of us experienced prior relationships where our prior partners placed being right and unfair tactics above solving the problem at hand. Due to the baggage, we brought into our relationship we had to relearn how to argue. Before we learn how to fight the problem, we should look at how we have been fighting us partners.

What are tactics used in fighting our partners?

1. Shutting down: This is being so mad that you purposely ignore or shut the other person out. Silence is used as a punishment and requires the other person to relent their position to avoid this tactic
2. Name calling: Rather than focusing on the problem, you call the other person names or insinuate that they are stupid for holding their position. This often causes the other person to relent because they start believing they are stupid or unintelligent and so is their stance.
3. Bringing up the past: If you bring up a topic that is not related to the problem in order to make the other person feel guilt or shame, that is fighting the person. This can be a low blow because your partner might think the prior problem was solved but throwing it out when angry shows a lack of interest in problem solving and a desire to hurt feelings.
4. Intimidation: Becoming physical such as fighting, blocking the other person from leaving the room, getting in the other person’s face or other physically or emotionally intimidating tactics is never appropriate and starts a slippery slope to abuse. If it is difficult to control your temper when you are angry, take time to calm down prior to solving problems with your partner.
5. Isolation: This occurs when one partner isolates the other through convincing them that everyone believes they are wrong. This tactic makes the partner second guess their beliefs and opinions, weakening their resolve. This is also another tactic that can start on a slippery slope to abuse.

Tactics to Fight the Problem

1. Find time to talk without distractions: Solutions can be difficult to focus on when overwhelmed. If you and your spouse are surrounded by chaos, everything can feel overwhelming. Carve out a time to bring your grievances and ideal solutions to the table without the stress of everyday life compounding it.
2. Identify the problem prior to starting: Give the problem a name such as needs not being met, differences in childrearing styles, financial goals, etc. By giving the problem a name, the “enemy” is identified as an outsider rather than an “insider” being the two of you.
3. Identify where you can compromise: Developing solutions in marriage require compromise from both parties. No one can have everything they want and that is okay, so identify the areas you both feel strongly about and find a middle ground that is acceptable to both of you.
4. Start with prayer: By starting with prayer, you are asking God for wisdom and the ability to address conflict without hurting your spouse.
5. Remember you are a team: Problems can be temporary if you remember that you can tackle any issue placed in your way if you work as a team and compromise.

Fighting against the problem requires self-control and knowing how you react in volatile situations. As mentioned in all of the marriage posts, love is a choice. We wake up every morning with the opportunity to choose whether we still love our spouse or not. Fighting is an area that many couples struggle with because we are taught that fighting is wrong. Fighting, in itself, is not wrong but how we fight can be.