In looking at social media, we covered how big gestures are not always the real love we are looking for. Another thing that social media has made us very comfortable with is opening our lives for others to see. Our parents and grandparents called it “airing out your dirty laundry” but we call it telling the truth, but that has consequences. I am all for telling people about problems in marriages especially if there is abuse or mistreatment of any kind but today, we are addressing something completely different. Today we are solely focusing on talking about the marital spats that are shared to prove that we are right, and our spouse is wrong.

My husband and I were both guilty of this early in our marriage, we would both go to the same person and vent our sides of the argument looking for validation that we were in the right. Fortunately for us, we selected a person who loves us both and did not judge our marriage but tried to give wise counsel, but that is not true for everyone. When you tell an argument from your point of view, the truth can become skewed in your favor. This may or may not be intentional, but it can harm the relationship that your spouse has with the person you confide in. Many times, this is where we see friends and family turn on the spouse that is deemed wrong and that is a battle in itself trying to change a negative point of view once it is formed.

I have observed this situation in many different marriages from close relatives to acquaintances and the common themes are the person sharing the arguments do not know why people dislike their partner, they spend time trying to change the view of their confidants, and then they share about the next argument. It is a vicious cycle that exhausts the confidants, hurts the partner that is being tattled on, and ultimately damages the couple’s relationship. Good news, this can be remedied through honesty and changing how we react to arguments.

How to fix this scenario if it is your relationship

1. Be honest with the person you told everything to. If you at any point added to the story or exaggerated facts now is the time to share that information with your confidant.
2. Be honest with your spouse. If they are wondering why people dislike them in your orbit, then you need to confess that you’ve been sharing your fights. This might hurt your spouse and be something that needs to be worked through, but at least they can understand the change in opinion.
3. Ask your spouse for forgiveness. You might wonder why this is important, but if you have slandered their character it hurts. Once the damage is done it cannot be taken back, but it is possible to move forward.
4. If you feel the need to discuss your conflicts with others, I recommend an individual counselor, couples counseling, pastoral counseling, or a couple’s group where you can discuss your disagreements in a way that does not shame your significant other but is constructive and comes from a place of wanting solutions.

If you are experiencing abuse or mistreatment, please contact someone close to you and build an exit strategy or contact

• Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
• Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
• StrongHearts Native Helpline 1-844-762-8483
• Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474, 1-866-331-8453 (TTY)
• Victim Hotline 1-855-4-Victim (855-484-2846)