In the last post, we discussed how to argue in a productive way. Every argument comes with the opportunity to forgive and agree to move forward or to hold onto anger and hurt, often replaying the transgression in your mind over and over. Forgiveness is a hard pill to swallow sometimes because many see it as giving the person who hurt you a free pass. Forgiveness is a show of strength rather than weakness. Forgiving your partner and working through the problems you experience is not sweeping things under the rug; it is fighting for your relationship.

A case study that I found in one of my marriage and family therapy textbooks addressed a couple that experienced losing everything due to a secret gambling issue. The wife was angry because she felt lied to and the husband felt shame. Both individuals wanted to move on from the betrayal and towards a more honesty and healthy future, but the wife would often bring back her suspicions during arguments and become angry about everything the couple lost and lashed out. If any of you are like me, you can probably see why the wife was angry and believe that she is justified in her outbursts of anger, but there is no place for those actions once the decision is made to forgive and move forward.

What does forgiveness look like when a problem arises in your relationship, and you choose to work through the problem? Depending on the circumstances, any or all of the following things might need to occur;

1. Marriage counseling is strongly recommended. The reason for this is both parties have a safe space to discuss their perceptions of the actions that prompted the need for forgiveness, especially in situations of addiction, infidelity, abuse, or any other breech in trust that may be difficult for one or both individuals to move past alone.
2. Giving the hurt party time to adjust and grieve the action. The hurt party will need time to process the infraction that caused a need for forgiveness, this is understandable and should not be held against the hurt individual. I recommend individual therapy as well in order to gain insight into ways to cope with feelings of betrayal or mistrust.
3. The offending party makes amends. This may look different for each relationship and the action that drove the couple to this place in their marriage. The offending party must honestly show remorse and be willing to work with the hurt party in gaining forgiveness and trust if applicable.
4. Putting the past behind. This does not mean the action is forgotten, but once both people choose to move forward in the relationship and introduce forgiveness for the infraction it cannot be brought back. This means the hurt party cannot bring up the infraction as a way to win arguments or justify their own harmful behaviors. Forgiving means putting away the temptation and opportunity to bring up old wounds to shame your partner.

Forgiveness is a difficult choice, especially when the person you love the most acted in a way that causes mistrust in the relationship. In the Lord’s prayer, we ask God to forgive our sins the way we forgive the sins of others. Forgiveness is something we choose to do for ourselves. It is a way to set us free from the burden of anger, sadness, misery, and other awful feelings that we may hold towards another person. Holding onto a grudge does not harm the other person, it only causes harm to ourselves. To truly forgive means to take away power from the person who hurt you and leave them to God’s judgement rather than yours.

Is it possible to forgive a person, even if you do not make the choice to remain in a relationship with them? Yes, it is important to forgive someone who is no longer in your life because it takes a weight off of your heart. Forgiveness does not always mean welcoming someone back into your life after you have been wronged, it is choosing to give up revenge rather than taking it.