Before forgiveness, an action breaks trust and can hurt the marriage. Although various actions can fall into this category, we will look at a couple major marriage killers. I want to clearly state that I do not condone domestic violence. I do not encourage it, nor do I endorse it. If you are experiencing domestic violence, please seek help.

Addiction can kill a marriage, whether drugs, alcohol, phones, gambling, sex, pornography, food, or (insert addiction here). When there is addiction, that becomes the priority of the person who is addicted. As a result, the marriage will suffer. Intimacy and time with the spouse will not provide the same dopamine rush as the “drug of choice”. This can lead to feeling bitter, mourning the marriage that you expected, loneliness, and a desire to give up. When addiction enters a marriage, the spouse is no longer the priority. Often, the person who is addicted is too close to see the problem. Those who are addicted often have to hit rock bottom before they decide to change. This is true because that is usually when they see the damage.

Infidelity (obviously) can kill a marriage. Trust is lost when one spouse steps out of the marriage. This can happen whether dating or married. They leave and enter the arms of another. This is not always be physical, because emotional infidelity is common as well. Unlike physical infidelity, emotional infidelity causes the spouse to pull away from their significant other. They move those emotions and feelings onto another person. The spouse shares information with the affair partner that they do not share with their spouse. As a result, affection transfers from the spouse to the outside individual. This pain is just as intense as physical infidelity. This is especially true for women because they experience a loss of connection. This loss leads to decreased intimacy both physically and emotionally. Physical infidelity involves engaging in physical intimacy with someone other than your spouse or significant other. Like addiction, trust is broken, and the marriage is fractured.

Disrespect kills a marriage just as much as the other two topics. Have you heard the phrase “men need respect and women need affection”? Scientifically, it has been proven. Both spouses can be disrespected in a marriage. Often, disrespect occurs when tension is running high or during an argument. Disrespect can be name-calling, cursing, or berating. It involves blaming or character attacks. It includes telling others about private business or making fun of a spouse to friends or family. Threats of leaving and anything else that can intentionally hurt your spouse are also forms of disrespect. Any of these can cause a constant fight-or-flight feeling. Threats of leaving, especially, affect the spouse being attacked. Living in a constant state of anxiety can cause anyone to break and leave a marriage.

Money (mis)management is another marriage killer. According to scientists, the biggest fight among couples is due to money. Conversations surrounding money become a fight due to different goals and habits. It also happens when one person has more of a say in the budgeting than the other. If one person spends more than the budget allows or bills are not paid, resentment can grow in the marriage. Not having an equal say in budgeting and finance can lead to a slippery slope. This result in financial abuse, although that is not a guarantee.

Can a marriage come back from this? If you and your spouse decide to forgive, then yes. Staying in a marriage that has experienced these issues is possible. It requires working towards trust and extending grace. True repentance and forgiveness are also needed. Seeking therapy is recommended.