Content note: This post discusses anxiety, self-image, emotional overwhelm, and mental health.

I took a break from writing between school and the holidays so I could refresh with my family. I needed to take a little time to continue some old traditions and start a few new. As New Years came and went, I noticed that the past couple of months, something was missing. The normal anxiety I feel, the doubts I have in myself, was somewhat stronger. I found myself being short with my children, husband. Honestly, anyone who was around at times caught my snippets of snark. The comparisons came lurking back, dislike of my appearance, fear of not being enough, the lies kept coming back. As much as I hate to admit it, I haven’t been back to church. I felt like a phony because I feel like God is so far away right now, and I didn’t know how to get back to him. My prayers felt pitiful and unworthy because I put God on the back burner of my life. I tried to fill myself with tasks that made me feel better about myself so that I could tell myself some trumped-up version of how great I am. Look at everything I can do, look at everything I can do alone. While cleaning out my desk to move to my new office in the basement, I found a book that I hadn’t read all the way through yet. Jesus Over Everything by Lisa Wittle was gifted to me by my dear sisters at Homefront Heros. In a moment of desperation, I began chapter one to see how to truly recalibrate my life. My priorities are completely off. Instead of starting my day with emails or scrolling social media, I need to turn back to my Bible and fill my cup before I start my day filling others. At night, instead of playing games on my phone or watching mindless videos, I need to spend time in God’s word so my mind can have rest. This post hasn’t matched the theme of helping with marriage or parenting, but it’s important to be honest with ourselves and each other when we are feeling out of sorts. Me first isn’t leading me where I want to be. It’s hindering me from my calling because I can not do it all myself.

This year, I chose a word like always, and it is surrender. I’m having a hard time (as mentioned) with this. I can not do it alone and need to rely on God’s strength to hold me up in my weaknesses.