Content note: This post includes discussion of recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility.

Fun fact about me, I was not a Christian right away. I was raised Catholic with little understanding of what that meant to me. I went to a Catholic college and went to mass, but I did not have a solid relationship with God. It was not until I experienced my fifth pregnancy loss that I became a Christian. I thought God did not exist when I lost another baby. I thought, if he did exist, I did something to make him take this miracle away from me. My Catholic sensibilities of hellfire and brimstone rained upon me that I was not good enough for a baby, good enough for God. It was a lonely time in my life. My husband, on the other hand, was raised in a Christian household with the belief that God wants what is good, but sin is what causes the bad. I do not know whether my husband has ever questioned God’s existence, but he led me back. It was April of 2020, during the pandemic when church on facebook became popular, that I watched the Easter service of what is my husband’s family’s home church. Shout out to you Frontline of Grand Rapids! I felt moved, I felt God for the first time in my life and I went all in. I started with devotionals, conversations with our pastor (Thank you Pastor Brian for the wise counsel), and discussions with my mother-in-love and my parents on various aspects of the Bible. I began to believe in the power of prayer, the belief that God loves me, and that he can work all things out for my good if I let go. So, I placed my fertility in God’s hands. I had a surgery to remove uterine polyps and a couple weeks later was pregnant with our girl. I found out at 9 weeks that I was expecting and gave all the glory to God. April 2021, I was baptized a year after I committed my life to God, while pregnant with our little Hannah Raelynn. A year after that, I was pregnant with Robert and praising in the same church I was baptized in (not quite yet aware that I was expecting again). Now, I am on the prayer team at our church, I write devotionals for Homefront Heros Ministry, and I write a blog on the chaos of motherhood and my love of God. It’s amazing to me that I am here, three years after dedicating my life to the Lord, providing anecdotes on motherhood and giving encouragement through helping others read Bible passages. I feel so unqualified to do this sometimes. I wonder who I am to write like this and share with others when three years ago I did not know if God existed? But I write FOR God……I write BECAUSE of God…….I want others to know they are not alone in their questions and that God is all around us. If we listen, we hear……if we watch, we see……if we open ourselves up……we can feel the calming presence only He can give. I thank God for my testimony and hope maybe one day it will be used for His glory.