Content note: This post includes discussion of infertility and pregnancy loss.

It’s been an early morning in the Kozak household. Our smoke alarm decided its batteries wanted to die at 5am providing a beautiful song of waning double a batteries. I imagine this must be the gusto with which the band on Titanic played as it went down. Our beloved smallest human was singing the songs of his people, requesting milk and cuddles. I was happy to oblige but alas the milk was not up to par (or he enjoyed a bit too much) and projectile spit up occurred. One bath later (one angry child later) we are all cleaned up but the bassinet liner needs to be washed. To the living room we go and he is wide awake and plays in his bouncy while mommy does laundry, makes a pot of coffee, and takes care of dad’s lunch (because I’m a fabulous wife, if you haven’t noticed before )

I would really like to claim that my first thought wasn’t negative. I want to pretend I did all of this with grace and a smile, but I didn’t. I was grumpy at first, I am tired…..I wanted sleep. BUT….I remembered, while looking at my baby’s sweet face, the sting of month after month having negative tests. I remember the losses and tests, wondering if we would ever have a baby. I remember the fear of carrying children and wondering if I could lose my pregnancy at any stage. I remember the nights of full sleep and a quiet home, I know now how much I don’t miss it. Although I am grateful, not every day is wonderful and motherhood is messy. I’m not saying that I’m perfect and I don’t yell or cry, but I also laugh at the absurdity of a toddler who strips naked and pees on her floor or the racing down the hall to meet her daddy at the door. Even in the mess and the stress of motherhood, I know that God gave me these children to love and guide to the best of my ability. God granted me the desire of my heart and the family I wanted so badly. Often times I feel guilty about being angry or frustrated, for raising my voice at my strong willed girl. It’s at those moments I know I need less of me and more of God. I need to put aside my plans and what I think should be and ask God to guide me, not only as a mother but as a wife and person as a whole.

So for anyone else who’s up at 6:30 am…….I pray your coffee is strong and your day is blessed